I’m in the minority of horror buffs that enjoy the teen slasher subgenre. I can’t help it. It’s what I grew up on and well, I’m still a damn teenager, these are my people! Maybe when I’m 35, I’ll appreciate psychological thrillers, but until then I want more kids getting chased by serial killers. It’s just my style.

Beneath the Darkness is yet another horror flick directed towards a teen audience, and I think it’s going to be pretty popular amongst my peers. In a nutshell, the film is Disturbia meets Stir of Echoes. If you’re not a fan of either of those (what is wrong with you?!), then stop reading because there’s nothing new here, if you enjoyed them as much as I did, then you might dig Beneath the Darkness.

Dennis Quaid stars as a psychotic mortician accused of murder by a group of pesky teenagers after their friend “accidentally” dies while trespassing in his funeral home. As the kids dig deeper into the mortician’s past, they end up getting much more than they bargained for. Not exactly the most original story, but it hasn’t been completely milked dry, and there’s enough charm here to keep you entertained for an hour and a half.

Quaid gives a great performance as well as a few familiar but not well-known faces. Aimee Teegarden and Tony Oller star as two classmates that you can’t help but root for. The acting department is generally where films like this one fall apart, so having good actors sets Beneath the Darkness apart from the crowd.

Beneath the Darkness is currently available on DVD, Blu-Ray, and download. Go Redbox it!

7.0/10

I am completely biased towards this film, because the original FRIGHT NIGHT is one of my favorites of all time. I was upset when I heard it was being remade, and even more upset when I discovered that McLovin and Colin Farrell were starring. After telling myself for months that I would ignore its existence, I got to watch it for free this weekend. Despite the free admission, I paid about $10 too much.

Regardless of everything I just told you, I went into the theater with a much clearer mindset than I had when the film was released. I was hoping that I would agree with the many positive reviews that had been posted. Well, the people that thought FRIGHT NIGHT 3D was good must have been the same people that told me PARANORMAL ACTIVITY was the scariest film of all time: Complete douchesucking jabronis.

From the get-go, FRIGHT NIGHT 3D is bad. The opening scene is slightly confusing and sets the pace for more of a home-invasion-type movie than a horror-comedy about vampires. The next half-hour or so is a complete knockoff of Disturbia, with very little to do with vampires. For the most part, Colin Farrell’s character seems nothing like a vampire, and despite being creepy, just acts like a peeping tom. From here, the majority of the jokes fall flat, and I couldn’t believe how unlikeable most of the characters were.

The acting is better than expected. Even though Colin Farrell sucks, McLovin plays the same character in every movie, and the British guy that plays Peter Vincent was weak, Toni Collette and Anton Yelchin did well in their roles. There were some nice cameos by Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige) and Lisa Loeb as well.

As a FRIGHT NIGHT fan, too much is changed. Jerry Dandrige isn’t the charmer he was in the original. “Evil” Ed (who is only referred to as “Evil” once in the film) isn’t nearly as unstable and crazy. Peter Vincent is now a Criss Angel type Vegas performer and an actual vampire hunter. Charley Brewster is no longer the nerdy scaredy-cat that has to face evil head-on. The reason the original FRIGHT NIGHT worked so well is because it pitted an actor that portrayed a vampire killer in film and a terrified teenage boy that believed in movies a little too much and had them fighting actual vampires and demons. It was perfect and hilarious, and nearly all of that charm has been lost in the remake.

If all of that wasn’t enough to make me hate FRIGHT NIGHT 3D, the movie ends in the middle of a sex scene while an acoustic version of “99 Problems” is played in the background. I wish I was making this up. What jackass deserving of a castration thought that would be “cute?”

In total, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Unfortunately, the same could be said about 9/11. Too soon? I’m sorry, but FRIGHT NIGHT 3D is pretty terrible. Under no circumstances should you watch this film. Instead, watch the original. It’s phenomenal.

I’d rather get staked in the nutsack.  3.0/10

Alright, Wes Ledwell took it upon himself to make a bet that if 25 people liked his Facebook status, that I would post a lengthy review of CATS on DVD. 34 people liked it, which is complete overkill, and unfortunately, I agreed to watch this piece of trash and review it. So here it goes.

For starters, I had no idea that CATS was a musical. Which made the process of watching this turd even more dreadful than I imagined. If you’re one of the lucky few that have never seen this visual raping, I envy you. Such absolutely retarded lines as “when you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?” had me wanting to jam butter knives through both of my ears. The costumes appear funny at first, but then they just become downright creepy. Imagine a grown man walking down the street, dressed up like a damn alley cat. Yeah, it’s quite disturbing.

The story involves a bunch of stupid characters doing catlike things that really suck and had me dying of boredom, which is quite an achievement. How in the hell can a bunch of freaks dressing up like cats and singing terrible songs be boring?! Like I previously stated, the characters suck and one of them is named “Skimbleshanks” and there’s a slut cat named “Grizzabella” or something and she is garbage as well. I hope after the production was halted all of them were euthanized.

My hatred for cats has increased /10

It’s rare that I get excited for comedy films. The brand of shock humor that most comedies exploit these days just doesn’t work for me. I don’t think penises and boobies are funny anymore. However, I am a huge fan of both Jason Bateman and Charlie Day, so I was very excited to see HORRIBLE BOSSES when it was released.

Luckily, HORRIBLE BOSSES isn’t a lowbrow comedy. It’s actually extremely funny, and one of my favorite comedies in recent memory. For those of you that haven’t seen the trailer (which is an accurate example of the film’s tone), it is about three friends who all love their jobs, but have major issues with their bosses. Nick (Jason Bateman) is constantly abused by his self-righteous boss Harken (Kevin Spacey). Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) can’t stand to work under his new boss Pellit (Colin Farrell), who is addicted to cocaine and stays paranoid. Dale (Charlie Day) works as a dental assistant under Julia (Jennifer Aniston), who sexually harasses him on a daily basis. One day, the three friends decide that they’ve had enough and that murdering their bosses is the only choice they have left.

Unlike most comedies, there was not a single character that annoyed me. Every single actor and actress was in perfect form. To be honest though, Charlie Day and Jennifer Aniston stole every scene they were in. Aniston is seriously one of the funniest actresses of our time, and I hope she starts taking more roles in the vein of HORRIBLE BOSSES. Jamie Foxx was hilarious, and it was nice to see Donald Sutherland and Ron White in small roles.

If you enjoy laughing then I can’t recommend HORRIBLE BOSSES enough. It may not be the best comedy ever, but it is certainly a top contender. Do yourself a favor and give it a shot. Even though some of you may not catch all of the references (they get pretty out there), the jokes come nonstop, and the plot is never lacking. HORRIBLE BOSSES is the funniest film of the year.

9.5/10

Wait, they made a sequel to QUARANTINE? I may have been out of the loop on this, but apparently QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL has been in the works for a while now. I guess I just suck and don’t keep up with upcoming horror movies the way that I should. Either way, I got around to seeing this movie a few hours after I discovered that it existed.

I was a fan of the original QUARANTINE (I never saw [REC], the film it was based on). I thought it did a stellar job of using the steady-cam, and I thought most of the acting was good. I expected more of the same from the sequel, but instead got something very different.

QUARANTINE 2 isn’t filmed using the “steady-cam” method, which probably worked out better for the overall storytelling of the film. Taking place a few hours after the original film ends, QUARANTINE 2 makes quite a few references to its predecessor, and even answers some of the questions that were left unanswered in the original. The film begins with two female friends (who both happen to be flight attendants) showing up to the airport for a red eye flight. As they board the plane, we are introduced to a motley crew of stereotypical horror movie characters. We have the street-smart teenager, the elderly cat lady, the fat drunk, the douchebag and his slutty girlfriend, the nice thirty-something-year-old man, and the tough-as-nails chick with a heart of gold. Pretty standard stuff here, but they mix well with their environment, and though it is fairly easy to guess who lives and who dies, there are a few twists here and there.

While the poster and trailer may give viewers the impression that movie takes place on an airplane, only around twenty minutes of the film actually does. The majority of the movie involves the characters exploring their terminal (hence the name), and while this may not sound quite as cool as zombies on an airplane, it works out pretty well.

I really enjoyed QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL. While there isn’t too much originality, it was a fun no-brainer flick, and I consider it on-par with QUARANTINE. If you’ve been looking for a newer zombie movie to check out, then you can do a lot worse. Don’t expect a Romero-quality movie, and you’ll have a good time.

7.0/10

BAD RONALD is a TV movie that was released in 1974. I have heard quite a bit about it, but due to its rarity on VHS, and its lack of DVD release, I was never able to see it. Luckily, I got my hands on a DVD-R copy that I found at a pawn shop.

For starters, I would like to say that if TV movies like this were still made, I would be one happy camper. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw a TV movie (on TV) that I enjoyed at all. BAD RONALD is different. Not only is the acting great, but BAD RONALD is a genuinely creepy movie.

Scott Jacoby plays Ronald Wilby, a nerdy teenager whose best (and only) friend is his mother. One day Ronald decides to ask the most popular girl in school out on a date, of course things go south, and on the way home Ronald is ridiculed by a young girl. In a scuffle, Ronald accidentally kills the girl and buries her body. Ronald’s mother realizes it is only a matter of time before Ronald is caught, so she decides to hide him in a hidden room in their house. A few weeks go by and Ronald remains hidden from everyone. One day his mother goes to the hospital to have her gallbladder removed, but dies during surgery. Eventually a new family moves into the house, but Ronald hasn’t moved out.

For a made-for-TV movie, BAD RONALD is amazing, and I’m sure it was even creepier when it was released in 1974. Utilizing atmosphere over gore, and maintaining a relatively low body count, the film succeeds at being very eerie. Just looking at Ronald gives me the creeps.

8.0/10

I first learned about Good Neighbours last night when a friend posted the trailer on Facebook. As fate would have it, it was the first movie to pop up on the screen when I installed AppleTV. Needless to say, I immediately knew what I was doing tonight.

Good Neighbours is a Canadian film, but it is very obvious that the trailer was made by an American, because well, it is nothing like the actual film (and actually gives away one of the big twists!). The trailer sets the movie out to be a nail-biting thriller with many twists and turns, but it is actually more of a whodunit, black comedy.

The film begins with Victor (Jay Baruchel) moving into a new apartment complex in Montreal where he meets his neighbors Spencer and Louise (Scott Speedman and Emily Hampshire). While he is moving his belongings into the apartment, Louise informs Victor of the serial killer/rapist that has been striking around their neighborhood. Since she worries about the killer, and since Spencer is confined to a wheelchair, she asks Victor to walk her home from work every night. Victor agrees and quickly takes a liking to Louise, which Spencer does not appreciate at all.

Then the movie takes a really weird turn, and the main focus of the film shifts from discovering who is raping and murdering women to an obsession with cats. Yes, I am completely serious. It was initially pretty funny, but then it just got strange and awkward. All of the actors and actresses did a great job, but some of the characters were so strange that I had trouble identifying with them. But regardless of how weird the movie turned out, the director (Jacob Tierney) tried something original and ended up creating an odd, but enjoyable thriller with a bit of dark comedy added in.

I can’t recommend Good Neighbours to everyone, and I can definitely see some people downright hating it, but I thought it was pretty enjoyable. If you’re a fan of dark comedies, or just want to check out something different, then Good Neighbours is worth a shot.

7.0/10

Oh, Bad Teacher, where do I start? This film was much different than I had expected. For some reason I thought this would be like The 40-Year-Old Virgin meets Forgetting Sarah Marshall in a school. I don’t know what gave me that impression, but it was nothing like that.

Bad Teacher tells the story of Elizabeth Halsey, a terrible middle school teacher who cares about her students almost as little as she cares about their test scores. However, when she learns that the teacher with the highest test scores in the school gets a $5700 check, she begins to turn things around in her classroom. Along the way, she meets sensitive substitute teacher, Mr. Delacorte, whom she must fight for affection from, since he seems to be interested in Halsey’s rival, Ms. Squirrel (yes, Ms. Squirrel).

The cast list is pretty solid. Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel, John Michael Higgins and Molly Shannon are some of the bigger names in the film. Unfortunately, I felt like two of the leads (Diaz and Timberlake) did not fit their roles. Diaz always seems to do better playing goofy, ditzy girls than intelligent women with devious plans, and Timberlake was so awkward in his role that it became distracting in some scenes. However, Higgins and Segel were hilarious and stole every second of screen time they had. Molly Shannon’s role, while small, was great.

I was a little worried at the beginning of the film, because it started off very slow, and the humor wasn’t doing it for me. I felt like I was watching The Office or something (not hating, I’m just not a fan). Luckily, it picks up once Segel’s character is introduced. While the laughs began flowing heavily after the first twenty or so minutes, I can’t help be comment on how predictable the overall outcome was. Ten minutes into the movie, I had already made an accurate assumption of how the events would play out.

But who really goes to see a film like Bad Teacher for the suspense factor? Nobody. They go see films like this for the laughs, and if you appreciate extremely rude comments the way that I do, then you’ll get a kick out of Bad Teacher. It’s not a classic comedy, and while it won’t be close to the best comedy of the year, it’s a pretty enjoyable flick if you’re in the mood for a laugh, but I can’t help but be disappointed by how great it could have been.

7.0/10

Alright, I’ve been watching a lot of stuff lately, but I haven’t really had the time to sit down and write lengthy reviews for all of them, so I just decided to write some quick reviews.

1.) The Hangover Part II (2011)

I don’t know why I never got around to writing a review for this one. I saw it a few days after it was released, despite knowing that it wouldn’t be too great. I was surprised that it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be, but it definitely wasn’t half as good as the original, which I loved. Instead of surprises and witty situational humor, we are treated to gross out humor I would have found immature in 7th grade. The Hangover Part II is not only a reminder of how funny the original was, but a reminder that just because you can make a sequel, it doesn’t mean you should. 6.0/10

2.) Brotherhood (2011)

This was a rad movie about a fraternity that gets caught up in a robbery at a convenience store in sort-of a prank gone wrong. It was sort of mixture between Held Up and The Skulls. That’s a bad description, but you get the idea. The movie doesn’t slow down until the end. Overall, Brotherhood was a nice surprise that I enjoyed a good bit. 7.5/10

3.) Hall Pass (2011)

The trailer for this didn’t look too bad, and I’m a fan of Jason Sudeikis, so I gave it a watch. It was okay at best. Nothing really stood out as being funny, and I couldn’t really get into it. There were some funny lines, but as a whole, Hall Pass is pretty forgettable. Christina Applegate and Jason Sudeikis are funny, but even they are not in top form. Give it a pass (no pun intended) unless you’re married, in which case you may “get” it better than I did. 5.5/10

4.) Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009)

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten this from Redbox, but since it “starred” Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris, I had to give it a shot. That was a bad call on my part. By “starring” they should say “have a combined screen time of thirty minutes. Blood Night is put together horribly. Fifteen minutes of violence. Forty minutes of partying and terrible acting. Thirty minutes of violence. Overall, an hour and a half of my time wasted. Even some good gore and Danielle Harris couldn’t save this piece of crap. 3.0/10

5.) Hunger (2009)

A bunch of people are randomly abducted and put into a cave that they can’t escape. After realizing that they will starve if they do not escape, they begin to go crazy, and come to the conclusion that they must eat each other in order to survive. Sound interesting? It’s really not. The anti-climatic conclusion is just like the rest of the movie, slow and boring. The acting is okay, and I like that the film tried something new, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that the movie that seems to go on for days. 4.5/10

** I’m not going to post pictures from all of these movies, so here’s me making a peanut butter and bacon sandwich instead.

I wasn’t one of the many people that were excited for this movie. I didn’t really know what it was about, and I don’t go crazy over Steven Spielberg or J.J. Abrams. It wasn’t until I heard comparisons to The Monster Squad that I had any desire to see Super 8.

Luckily, I scored some free tickets to see it last night. So I figured even if it was terrible, it was free. Win/win situation. It wasn’t terrible though, and it was actually very good.

Super 8 tells the story of a group of middle-school kids growing up in a suburban town in 1979. Among them is Joe Lamb, whose mother had recently passed away in a factory accident. While trying to get over the loss of a parent, Joe’s father, the Deputy Sheriff, tells him that he should spend the summer at a baseball camp. However, Joe decides to help his friends make a zombie film called “The Case.” While shooting their short film, Joe meets Alice Dainard, who immediately lets Joe know that she shouldn’t be hanging out with him, since he is the son of a police officer. Joe convinces her that she can trust him, and the group begin shooting their movie, with hilarious acting and effects. While shooting, the friends witness a violent train wreck. As his friends are running, Joe witnesses something send the door of one of the train cars flying through the air, but he doesn’t see what did it. After investigating the wreckage, the Joe discovers that there are strange metal squares all over the area. He picks one up and leaves with his friends just before a group of military vehicles arrive to the scene.

I feel like I can’t say much else without giving away much of the story. So I’ll be as brief as possible. A bunch of weird things begin happening back in town. Pets go missing, household appliances disappear, and the military seems to be questioning everyone. Then, the real fun of the movie begins.

The effects were great, which I would expect from a Steven Spielberg / J.J. Abrams mashup. There are some good scares, and the acting was solid, especially from the young kids that hold the film together. It’s the fact that middle-schoolers are portrayed truthfully that made me such a big fan of Super 8. When I was 11, I wasn’t watching Spongebob Squarepants, I was wanting to blow stuff up with fireworks - just like the cast of Super 8. I wasn’t born until 1992, so I don’t really know how things were in the 70s, but seeing both Halloween and Dawn of the Dead posters were good enough for me.

I know I constantly make reference to the fact that movies don’t need morals to be great, but I do enjoy a good lesson every once in a while, and Super 8 gives a social statement that made sense in the 70s, and still holds true today. If you look at the film as more than a creature-feature, you mind take something from it. If you don’t, you’ll still have a good time.

It’s not quite as good as The Monster Squad, but it was definitely a great one. Go see Super 8 in theaters. The experience will be much cooler on the big screen.

9.0/10